Fly Me To The Mall
Sydney Morning Herald
Saturday June 9, 2001
Frequent flyer Malcolm Knox recounts a day in the life of a sky shopper.
When he flies, he doesn't read, watch movies, listen to audio or talk. When he flies, he prefers to identify his needs and equip himself for that dangerous, uncomfortable world below. When he flies, he enters the SkyMall ("The Mall in the Sky!"). And when he disembarks, he has been SkyMalled.
As he leaves the airport, passers-by are amused by his Messaging Cap. This floppy hat has a programmable LCD display in the panel above his forehead. Up to 10 messages can be programmed to scroll by, such as "Go team! Score again!", "What's your name?" and "To be or not to be, that is the question". He utilises 250 characters to project his original view to the world. $US24.95.
Oops, running late! His Talking Watch's appearance as an ordinary time-keeper belies its ability to literally "tell" time. He can check the time without having to take his eyes off the road. The watch speaks in an audible voice. The alarm has three sounds, including a crowing rooster. $US59.95.
It's hot here - and smoggy! That's where his Ionic Breeze Personal Air Purifier comes in handy. He creates his own "personal comfort zone" wherever fresh, clean air is in short supply. The discreet, portable ioniser is worn around his neck and uses electronic propulsion to silently direct cleaner air toward mouth and nose. It's a personal humidifier, too. Just add water! $US59.95.
He couples it with his Personal Warm+Cool System around his neck to enjoy hours of comfort - warm in winter and cool in summer. No matter where he is! It's discreet and ultralightweight. He turns the dial to "warm". He turns to cool to enjoy a personal airconditioner on hot, humid days. $US69.95.
Ah, home again. He parks his car on his Industrial Strength Car Pad, which keeps up to 240 litres of liquid off his garage floor and prevents slips and falls ($US199.95). He collects the key from his Stor-A-Key with Changeable Combination Lock, made of thick, rugged zinc alloy that never rusts or buckles, a safe alternative to pockets, backpacks or that hiding place under the welcome mat. $US39.95.
Once inside, things take a turn. He checks on Puss with confidence, having left her with her Stay Fresh Feline Drinking Fountain. This unique water bowl continuously circulates, filters and aerates Puss's water supply, returning it to the dish in a gentle cascade of cleaner, fresher-tasting water. Unfortunately, Puss, who knew proper hydration was essential to her health, was so stimulated by the faucet-like flow of her fountain that she recycled her water herself and has limped off to die in a corner. $US59.95.
He hears a sound behind him, turns to see his Telescoping Duster (two to five metres!) with lanolin-rich lambswool and soft ostrich tail feather brushes ($US115) being thrust at him by a figure clad in a 15th-century suit of armour. Though designed to astound the enemy, it has had the same effect on his guests! ($US2,450, freight $US50)
In self-defence, he reaches for his Keep Your Distance Insect Vacuum. It lets him quickly capture and dispose of insects at a comfortable distance without ever having to touch them. Flies, bees and spiders are sucked up by the 14,000 rpm fan and drawn into a sealed disposable cartridge (included). $US49.95.
It has no effect on the armoured man, so he flees into the garden - where he trips up on his Garden Toad House. Lowly toads dine on some 15,000 insects apiece each season - cutworms, gypsy moth larvae, slugs and the like - so why not put them to work? Made from handthrown stoneware, this shelter provides the environment toads love, protecting them against the hot sun and predators. $US29.95. Toad not supplied.
Hauling himself up, he runs back inside and throws his Aromatic Cedar Shoe Stacker, cedar being prized for its natural moth- and insect-repelling properties ($US34), at his assailant.
The intruder pursues. Our hero grabs the first thing to hand - his Martini Mister, a sleek, refillable silverplated stainless steel canister with ultrafine spray nozzle to accomplish the whisper of dry vermouth. $US19.95.
But its spray has little effect. It gives our friend an idea. He runs to the shower and hits the invigorating 127 separate streams from the pivoting head of the Gold Wonder Shower with Arm. $US75.
To the sound of the Digital Shower Radio/CD, producing vibrant sound easily heard above running water ($US99), he squeezes his Wall-Mounted Shampoo/Soap Gel Dispenser, brass, four chambers ($US135), treading safely on his Full-Length Bathtub Safety & Comfort cushioned, no-slip mat ($US19.99) and fills the devil's helmet.
Then he gets to work with his Turbo-Groomer. Trimming nose and ear hair and boring into the eyes of prostrate enemies has never been easier. Surgical-steel blades inside a protective guide whirl faster than 4,000 rpm to safely cut hair close without ever touching sensitive skin. A bright little "headlamp" ensures nothing is missed. $US39.95.
Relief! The intruder done with, he slips into his Genuine Turkish Bathrobe from the Denizli region of Turkey (where the world's finest cotton has been grown since the Middle Ages). $US99.95.
After wiping his hands clean with a towel dispensed from his Paper Towel Holder - featuring a spring-tensioned arm that adjusts to the size of the roll, allowing him to tear off a towel with just one hand (rubber gasket prevents scooting, $US59) - he settles down in his Posture Instant Floor Chair, fully adjustable to five different reclining angles! $US39.99.
To relax, he tools around with his Remote-Controlled Indoor Triple-Turbo Blimp. Improved engineering makes this 131cm model blimp the most manoeuvrable available, equipped with three propellers that control its ascent, descent, left and right turns. Do not fly the helium-filled blimp near heat sources. $US89.95. Helium tank $US39.95.
And here comes Puss, recovered from her stomach cramps. Could the jetset life be any better?
© 2001 Sydney Morning Herald
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