That Funny Footy
The Age
Thursday October 2, 2003
AFL fan Leaping Larry L. offers a faker's guide to Australia's rugby union event of the decade.
Twenty national teams. Venues all around Australia. The roar of thousands of fans. The thundering hooves of the players. An unconscionable amount of Fanfare for the Common Man. After four years of anticipation it all comes down to this - Rugby World Cup 2003.
Of course, none of this really means anything to most of us. Let's face it, if you weren't brought up on rugby union, you just don't get it. But even as the first day of hostilities over the William Webb Ellis trophy approaches and utter cluelessness abounds over this fair city, there is one article of faith we can cling to in order to avoid blind panic: complete trust in our fellow Melburnians' ability to make a gigantic bunfight out of anything we've been told is "world class", especially if it has anything to do with sport.
This rugby World Cup will be no exception. We're going to love it if it kills us. And here follows your handy-dandy guide to faking your way through the whole mess, so we can get on with making a big deal out of it and mindlessly cheering for 'Straya, as nature intended.
Cultural Background
A rose by any other name
Here we call everything rugby that isn't real footy or soccer, so a little definition might be handy.
What they play in the Rugby World Cup (henceforth RWC) is rugby union, which is a 15-a-side game containing amorphous huddles of large, oblong men who step on each other. Rugby league, on the other hand, is a 13-a-side game, in which large, square men run full pelt into each other. As you can see, the differences are vital.
The history of rugby union
No media rugby bore can feel fulfilled without mentioning every five minutes that rugby is "the game they play in heaven". And yet, the most painstaking study of either Old or New Testament is unlikely to reward the reader with any reference to Jesus, St Peter or the Archangel Gabriel scrummaging on the 22-metre line.
However, this is at least as likely as the official version, which contends that rugby began during a game of regular soccer at Rugby school in Warwickshire. In 1823, goes the story, a schoolboy named William Webb Ellis, basically driven out of his tiny mind by the boredom of the round-ball game, picked up the ball and ran the length of the field with it.
And a whole new game grew out of that brain-attack, they tell us. What a wonderful world.
Of course, this is more full of holes than most of the minor characters in The Sopranos end up being. Anyone who believes that story, the author has some beachfront property he'd like to interest you in. It's called "Mururoa Atoll".
It's an oblong world
Everything in rugby union is oblong. The field is oblong, the players are oblong, and the ball is a leather balloon or inflatable hollow pudding. Even the uniforms - the dowdiest creations sported by any football code on the Planet Earth - are conceptually oblong. They're the sort of thing Australian suburbanites wash the car in, or with.
Who's playing
The cast and crew of the RWC can be ruthlessly broken down into four classifications: (a) "Teams That Might Win It"; (b) "Teams That Can't But Might Approximate Respectability"; (c) "Good to Have You Here, Enjoy the Scenery", and (d) "What You Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?"
In category (a) are New Zealand, England, Australia, South Africa and France.
In category (b) are Ireland, Scotland, Wales and maybe Argentina, depending on who you listen to.
In (c) we have Fiji, Samoa, Tonga and maybe Italy and our Commonwealth brethren Canada scrape in here, too. But you'd be better off asking someone who knows.
Fulfilling the rodeo clown function in group (d) are such rugby titans as: Japan, Romania, the United States, Georgia (as in "former USSR", not the Ray Charles version), Uruguay, and, soon to become the most looked-up item in dusty atlases across the nation, Namibia.
The squash-match factor
What the rugby folks don't tell you - and fervently hope people have forgotten since the last RWC - is that due to the aforementioned class distinctions, an awful lot of the 40 - count 'em, 40 - pool matches that open this shindig are the proverbial foregone contusion.
Frankly, the US isn't going to beat France as long as airconditioner repairmen are overworked in Hell. The Earth will tumble into the sun in the next few weeks before Romania or Namibia will beat Australia. And so on.
This is your classic sporting recipe for a gigantic mass snooze. Frenzied, unrelenting hype from the broadcasters and allied media will be paramount throughout this troubling, difficult period.
Nuts and bolts
Scoring
If you make a touchdown, which they call a try, it's five points. Then you get a free kick at the capital-H thing they have instead of regular goalposts. If you make that, it's two points. Any other successful kick for goal is three points, probably.
Other rules
The game goes for two halves of 40 minutes apiece, plus injury time. This is about the only rugby rule you've got a prayer of understanding if you didn't go to a private school where they played the game.
Unlike American football or rugby league, there are no set numbers of "plays" the team in possession of the ball gets to achieve an objective. Instead, a guy runs with the ball until tackled, and then everyone sort of blancmanges together in a shapeless mass, highlighted by a spirited form of Russian folk-dancing in which they attempt to sink their boot-stops into the nearest deposit of soft tissue.
Every so often, the referee blows his whistle, apparently out of pity, contrariness, or boredom. This will usually result in either:
A kick being awarded at random to one of the two teams, following which the kicker will then kick the ball in a lazy, looping diagonal straight out of bounds to howling and mystifying applause from the stands;
A scrum being formed, which requires half of each team to link arms and immediately group-headbutt their opposite numbers while frantically kicking at their ankles.
If the ball goes out of bounds, except maybe on the full, they have a "line-out", which is a combination of the AFL's ruck contest and ballet, in that players are allowed to propel their team-mate by grabbing a fistful of crotch and/or buttock and launching him skywards at the incoming ball.
Line-outs sometimes resemble scrums, in that the players often don't get it quite right, prompting the referee to get flustered and angry and eventually award a kick to one team out of exasperation. They could save considerable wear and tear on the spectators' attention spans by just cutting out the middle man and awarding a kick in the first place.
Sheer howling terror of the off-side rule
The other rule they have in rugby is "off-side". You may as well set yourself to a detailed study of particle physics as ever hope to understand rugby's off-side rules.
This is one example found on the internet "explaining" an aspect of the off-side rules when it comes to scrums:
No matter which team has put the ball into the scrummage, the scrum-half of the team that does not have possession of the ball in the scrummage may not advance, on the side of the scrummage opposite to where the ball was put in, in front of the hindmost foot of his player in the scrummage.
This type of utterance was accurately described in the Mel Brooks cinema classic Blazing Saddles as "authentic frontier gibberish". You can actually feel the will to live slipping away as you read that stuff.
Every time the ref interrupts the general pandemonium by blowing his whistle, just say "Off-side, mate" in a deep, assured Bryan Brown-type voice, and you'll probably get away with it.
Assuming the positions
According to about five seconds' quality internet research, a rugby team consists of forwards and backs.
Among the forwards are such positions as the Profs, the Second Stringers, the 8-ball, the Lox, and the Happy Hooker. These go in the scrum to irritate the referee, as outlined above.
Lurking behind them are the backs, who, according to one particularly informative internet source, "stay back". These include: Scrum-Boy, Super Fly, Inside, Outside, two wings, a full back, and Ted from Accounts Receivable.
There may also be some guy called Five-Eighths, or, in decimal terms, 0.625. This may be a reference to hat-size. No scientific research has ever revealed what he does.
Viewing conditions
Games will be available to the public via Fox Sports, or for the vast majority that is the uncabled community, via Channel Seven. Or if you've recently done a bank job, you can revel in the atmosphere of England v. Samoa or the All Blacks disembowelling Italy at The Artist Formerly Known as Colonial Stadium.
Deprogramming and counselling programs will be announced post-RWC by the
relevant government authorities.
CHANNEL SEVEN RUGBY WORLD CUP SCHEDULE
Oct 10 Opening Ceremony (live) 7pm
Oct 10 Australia v. Argentina (live) 8.30pm
Oct 11 New Zealand v. Italy (highlights) 5pm
Oct 11 South Africa v. Uruguay (live) 10pm
Oct 11 France v. Fiji (highlights) Midnight
Oct 11 Ireland v. Romania (highlights) Midnight
Oct 12 England v. Georgia (delayed) 11.25pm
Oct 12 Scotland v. Japan (highlights) Midnight
Oct 12 Wales v. Canada (highlights) Midnight
Oct 14 Argentina v. Namibia (highlights) 10.30pm
Oct 15 Fiji v. US (highlights) 10.30pm
Oct 15 Italy v. Tonga (highlights) Midnight
Oct 15 Samoa v. Uruguay (highlights) 1am
Oct 17 New Zealand v. Canada (delayed) 11.25pm
Oct 18 Australia v. Romania (live) 4pm
Oct 18 South Africa v. England (live) 10pm
Oct 18 France v. Japan (highlights) 11.30pm
Oct 19 Ireland v. Namibia (delayed) 10.30pm
Oct 19 Wales v. Tonga (highlights) Midnight
Oct 19 Georgia v. Samoa (highlights) Midnight
Oct 20 Scotland v. US (delayed) Midnight
Oct 21 Italy v. Canada (delayed) 10.30pm
Oct 22 Argentina v. Romania (delayed) 10.30pm
Oct 23 Fiji v. Japan (delayed) Midnight
Oct 24 South Africa v. Georgia (delayed) 10.30pm
Oct 24 New Zealand v. Tonga (highlights) Midnight
Oct 25 Australia v. Namibia (live) 4pm
Oct 25 Italy v. Wales (live) 6.25pm
Oct 25 France v. Scotland (delayed) 11pm
Oct 26 Argentina v. Ireland (highlights) 10.30pm
Oct 26 England v. Samoa (highlights) 10.30pm
Oct 27 Japan v. US (delayed) Midnight
Oct 28 Georgia v. Uruguay (delayed) 10.30pm
Oct 29 Canada v. Tonga (delayed) Midnight
Oct 30 Namibia v. Romania (delayed) Midnight
Oct 31 France v. US (delayed) 10.30pm
Nov 1 Australia v. Ireland (live) 8.30pm
Nov 1 Scotland v. Fiji (highlights) 11.30pm
Nov 1 South Africa v. Samoa (highlights) 11.30pm
Nov 2 New Zealand v. Wales (live) 8.30pm
Nov 2 England v. Uruguay (delayed) 11.30pm
Nov 8 QF 1: Winner Pool D
v. Runner-up Pool C (live) 6.25pm
Nov 8 QF 2: Winner Pool A
v. Runner-up Pool B (live) 9pm
Nov 9 QF 3: Winner Pool B
v. Runner-up Pool A (live) 6.25pm
Nov 9 QF 4: Winner Pool C
v. Runner-up Pool D (live) 9pm
Nov 15 SF 1: Winner QF 1
v. Winner QF 2 (live) 7.30pm
Nov 16 SF 2: Winner QF 3
v. Winner QF 4 (live) 7.30pm
Nov 20 Play off: Loser SF1
v. Loser SF 2 (live) 7.30pm
Nov 22 Final: Winner SF1
v. Winner SF 2 (live) 6.30pm
NB: Telecast times subject to change without notice
FOX SPORTS RUGBY WORLD CUP SCHEDULE
Oct 10 Australia v. Argentina (delay) 10.30pm
Oct 11 Ireland v. Romania (live) 5pm
Oct 11 New Zealand v. Italy (delay) 7pm
Oct 11 France v. Fiji (delay) 9.30pm
Oct 11 South Africa v. Uruguay (delay) Midnight
Oct 12 Wales v. Canada (live) 6pm
Oct 12 Scotland v. Japan (delay) 10pm
Oct 12 England v. Georgia (delay) Midnight
Oct 14 Argentina v. Namibia (live) 7.30pm
Oct 15 Fiji v. US (live) 5pm
Oct 15 Italy v. Tonga (live) 7.30pm
Oct 15 Samoa v. Uruguay (live) 10.00pm
Oct 17 New Zealand v. Canada (delay) 9.30pm
Oct 18 Australia v. Romania (delay) 6pm
Oct 18 France v. Japan (delay) 9pm
Oct 19 South Africa v. England (delay) 2am
Oct 19 Wales v. Tonga (live) 6pm
Oct 19 Georgia v. Samoa (live) 10pm
Oct 20 Ireland v. Namibia (delay) 11.30am
Oct 20 Scotland v. US (live) 7.30pm
Oct 21 Italy v. Canada (live) 7.30pm
Oct 22 Argentina v. Romania (delay) 10.30pm
Oct 23 Fiji v. Japan (live) 8pm
Oct 24 New Zealand v. Tonga (live) 5.30pm
Oct 24 South Africa v. Georgia (delay) 10pm
Oct 25 Australia v. Namibia (delay) 6pm
Oct 25 Italy v. Wales (delay) 8.30pm
Oct 25 France v. Scotland (delay) 10.30pm
Oct 26* Argentina v. Ireland (delay) 8.30pm
Oct 26 England v. Samoa (delay) 10.30pm
Oct 27 Japan v. US (live) 7.30pm
Oct 28 Georgia v. Uruguay (live) 7.30pm
Oct 29 Canada v. Tonga (live) 7.30pm
Oct 30 Namibia v. Romania (live) 8pm
Oct 31 France v. US (live) 7.30pm
Nov 1 Scotland v. Fiji (delay) 6pm
Nov 1 South Africa v. Samoa (delay) 8.30pm
Nov 1 Australia v. Ireland (delay) 10.30pm
Nov 2 England v. Uruguay (delay) 8.30pm
Nov 2 New Zealand v. Wales (delay) 10.30pm
Quarter Finals
Nov 8 QF 1 (delay) 8.30pm
Nov 8 QF 2 (delay) 11pm
Nov 9 QF 3 (delay) 8.30pm
Nov 9 QF 4 (delay) 11pm
Semi Finals
Nov 15 SF 1 (delay) 10pm
Nov 16 SF 2 (delay) 10pm
Playoff for Third
Nov 20 Playoff (delay) 10pm
Final
Nov 22 Final (delay) 10pm
Nov 23 Final replay (replay) 7am & 6pm
NB: Daylight savings starts on October 25
© 2003 The Age
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